i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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