i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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