"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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