Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
