i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
