I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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