if i can run in heels then i can drive
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
