mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
