when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Shame - the story of my life.
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