i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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