didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
