I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
