im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
