She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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