I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
