The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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