You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
