I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
