Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
