I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
