Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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