I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think your dad took our porno
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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