Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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