I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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