just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
