my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dignity is for republicans.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Randomize
