I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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