Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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