You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
