Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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