drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
