Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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