I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
