Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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