Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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