I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
