I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
