Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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