it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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