I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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