Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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