4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
