Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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