I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
