Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
