Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
