mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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