im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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