Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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