sarcasm needs its own font
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
